HOW TO SUCCEED AT BEING A NORMAL TEENAGER:
(In 15 easy steps!)
1. The first step in becoming a normal, bland, and spineless individual is very simple. Never think. About anything. Ever. If you have a thought, let it go. Let someone else think for you. Thinking is hard. Let someone else do it. Save your little conformist brain cells for something less difficult.
2. Now let's talk about music. You like unique music? Not anymore! You get to listen to the same generic, repetitive sound that everyone else does. You know, that one beat over and over with the words "Yeah", "baby" and "ooh" being repeated. Lucky you!
3. To be normal, you've gotta dress normal. If you're a girl, that means you wear leggings as pants and cut up your t-shirts so they just barely cover your chest. Uggs are a must, for any time of the year, including midsummer. If you're a guy, you wear the hem of your pants on the back of your knees. Overly violent band t-shirts for bands that you only know one song for is highly recommended. Jerseys and shorts are the number one choice for extremely cold weather.
4. Now that you're dressed like the little snowflake you are, it's time to talk about relationships with your parents! The next time they ask you to perform a non time-consuming chore or a small favour, be sure to throw a complete tantrum in the kitchen. Tell them how much you hate them and how they don't accept your individuality, as they can see by your intuition in fashion. Be sure to include that they don't love you and that they wish you were never born. Follow this by running to your room and slamming your door off its hinges. If they attempt to speak to you at any time after this, lay face down on your bed and scream at them through your pillow. Scream about how no one loves you and let your excessive eye makeup run down your face, too.
5. To ensure that you're everyone's favourite person in the morning, don't ever sleep. It's recommended that you should stay up all night on Facebook chat, having the exact same conversation with nine different people. It should be going something like this:
"FRIEND": nm, u
"FRIEND": im bored
"FRIEND": wat r u doin
YOU: nothing u
And should continue this way until the wee hours in the morning. During this time, no homework should be done, and only caffeine and sugar filled foods should be consumed.
6. If someone offers you an alcoholic drink, TAKE IT. CHUG IT DOWN. YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO LOOK LIKE A LOSER WHO DOESN'T DRINK. YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. DRINK IT. DRINK IIIIIIIIIIT.
7. Speaking of your amazing friends that are so nice to you and you to them, you must remain in contact with them at all times. They have to know everything that's happening in your life, just like you need to know theirs. Every time you start and finish a meal, update your Facebook status. Each time you borrow your mom's car to drive to someone's house to do nothing but sit on their couch for three hours, you should tweet when you left, while you drive there, when you get there, while you're there, when you leave, on your way home, and when you get home. Your phone must be in your hand, or within five inches of it at all times. You can't afford to not have it. What if you miss an important tweet? Your friend could be eating a cheeseburger and you won't know about it! YOU NEED THAT PHONE. Treat it like your child. No, treat it BETTER than your child, which you'll likely have in the next two years.
**Important Note: Don't forget to do it while you drive!
8. Go beat up/ridicule a gay kid. Even a kid you think is gay and really isn't. Assume that every guy in the school play and any girl not dressing like a slut is gay.
9. You must use these words/phrases a minimum of five times per minute:
- 'Um' or 'Uh'
- 'I know, right?!'
- A swear of some kind
- 'THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!'
- A misinterpretation of the word 'Irony'
(And for those familiar with internet vernacular)
- 'Derp' and/or 'Herp'
- 'WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN'
- Sentences that begin with 'Y U NO'
- 'UR GAY'
10. No matter how pretty, thin, and beautiful your outward appearance is, you must always dismiss yourself as "ugly", "disgusting", "hideous", etc.
11. Interpret EVERYTHING you see and hear as sexual.
12. You should ALWAYS expect sympathy from others no matter WHAT you do. Expect that your friends will cry and hug you when you tell them about that tragic weekend your mom took your phone away, ALL because you were caught driving drunk and having sex.
13. The only words you read should come from a TV, a computer screen, or your phone. Reading is for losers who don't have friends to text.
14. If you are doing poorly in any class, expect that the teacher secretly hates you. They really, really hate you. Even though you're doing awesome in that class, they give you bad grades because they are secretly trying to destroy you, and keep from you getting into the party school you want to go too, even though mommy and daddy will buy your way in there anyway. It's NEVER your fault. That teacher WANTS to see you crash and burn. Don't forget to say that to their face and to complain to all of your friends!
15. What's that? SOMEONE IS ACTING DIFFERENTLY FROM YOU! They are assaulting your individuality with individuality of their own! They don't listen to the music you do! They're a girl, and you can't even see their bra straps! How can she hope to be respected when she's not even a d-cup?! They're a guy and you can't even see their boxers! The smell of Axe body spray isn't activating your gag reflex! You know what you must do? ATTACK! DON'T LET THEM GET AWAY! How dare they act more intelligent and insightful than you, even though they are! DESTROY THEM PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY! What's this?! THEY'RE GAY TOO? NO! THAT GOES AGAINST THE RELIGION YOU SAY YOU FOLLOW BUT REALLY DON'T! NOOOOOOO!*explode*
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE NOW A COMPLETELY NORMAL TEEN.
Go cry now.