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HOW TO SUCCEED AT BEING A NORMAL TEENAGER:
(In 15 easy steps!)

1. The first step in becoming a normal, bland, and spineless individual is very simple. Never think. About anything. Ever. If you have a thought, let it go. Let someone else think for you. Thinking is hard. Let someone else do it. Save your little conformist brain cells for something less difficult.

2. Now let's talk about music. You like unique music? Not anymore! You get to listen to the same generic, repetitive sound that everyone else does. You know, that one beat over and over with the words "Yeah", "baby" and "ooh" being repeated. Lucky you!

3. To be normal, you've gotta dress normal. If you're a girl, that means you wear leggings as pants and cut up your t-shirts so they just barely cover your chest. Uggs are a must, for any time of the year, including midsummer. If you're a guy, you wear the hem of your pants on the back of your knees. Overly violent band t-shirts for bands that you only know one song for is highly recommended. Jerseys and shorts are the number one choice for extremely cold weather.

4. Now that you're dressed like the little snowflake you are, it's time to talk about relationships with your parents! The next time they ask you to perform a non time-consuming chore or a small favour, be sure to throw a complete tantrum in the kitchen. Tell them how much you hate them and how they don't accept your individuality, as they can see by your intuition in fashion. Be sure to include that they don't love you and that they wish you were never born. Follow this by running to your room and slamming your door off its hinges. If they attempt to speak to you at any time after this, lay face down on your bed and scream at them through your pillow. Scream about how no one loves you and let your excessive eye makeup run down your face, too.

5. To ensure that you're everyone's favourite person in the morning, don't ever sleep. It's recommended that you should stay up all night on Facebook chat, having the exact same conversation with nine different people. It should be going something like this:

YOU: hey
"FRIEND": hi
YOU: wassup
"FRIEND": nm, u
YOU: nm
"FRIEND": im bored
YOU: same
"FRIEND": wat r u doin
YOU: nothing u
"FRIEND": nothing
YOU: lol
"FRIEND": lol

…And should continue this way until the wee hours in the morning. During this time, no homework should be done, and only caffeine and sugar filled foods should be consumed.

6. If someone offers you an alcoholic drink, TAKE IT. CHUG IT DOWN. YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO LOOK LIKE A LOSER WHO DOESN'T DRINK. YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. DRINK IT. DRINK IIIIIIIIIIT.

7. Speaking of your amazing friends that are so nice to you and you to them, you must remain in contact with them at all times. They have to know everything that's happening in your life, just like you need to know theirs. Every time you start and finish a meal, update your Facebook status. Each time you borrow your mom's car to drive to someone's house to do nothing but sit on their couch for three hours, you should tweet when you left, while you drive there, when you get there, while you're there, when you leave, on your way home, and when you get home. Your phone must be in your hand, or within five inches of it at all times. You can't afford to not have it. What if you miss an important tweet? Your friend could be eating a cheeseburger and you won't know about it! YOU NEED THAT PHONE. Treat it like your child. No, treat it BETTER than your child, which you'll likely have in the next two years.
**Important Note: Don't forget to do it while you drive!

8. Go beat up/ridicule a gay kid. Even a kid you think is gay and really isn't. Assume that every guy in the school play and any girl not dressing like a slut is gay.

9. You must use these words/phrases a minimum of five times per minute:
- 'Like'
- 'Um' or 'Uh'
- 'Ohmigod'
- 'Literally'
- 'Legit'
- 'I know, right?!'
- 'Dude'
- A swear of some kind
- 'THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!'
- A misinterpretation of the word 'Irony'
(And for those familiar with internet vernacular)
- 'Derp' and/or 'Herp'
- 'Fail'
- 'FFFFFFUUUUUU'
- 'ASDFASDFASDFASDFASDF'
- 'WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN'
- Sentences that begin with 'Y U NO'
- 'UR GAY'
- 'FIRST!'

10. No matter how pretty, thin, and beautiful your outward appearance is, you must always dismiss yourself as "ugly", "disgusting", "hideous", etc.

11. Interpret EVERYTHING you see and hear as sexual.

12. You should ALWAYS expect sympathy from others no matter WHAT you do. Expect that your friends will cry and hug you when you tell them about that tragic weekend your mom took your phone away, ALL because you were caught driving drunk and having sex.

13. The only words you read should come from a TV, a computer screen, or your phone. Reading is for losers who don't have friends to text.

14. If you are doing poorly in any class, expect that the teacher secretly hates you. They really, really hate you. Even though you're doing awesome in that class, they give you bad grades because they are secretly trying to destroy you, and keep from you getting into the party school you want to go too, even though mommy and daddy will buy your way in there anyway. It's NEVER your fault. That teacher WANTS to see you crash and burn. Don't forget to say that to their face and to complain to all of your friends!

15. What's that? SOMEONE IS ACTING DIFFERENTLY FROM YOU! They are assaulting your individuality with individuality of their own! They don't listen to the music you do! They're a girl, and you can't even see their bra straps! How can she hope to be respected when she's not even a d-cup?! They're a guy and you can't even see their boxers! The smell of Axe body spray isn't activating your gag reflex! You know what you must do? ATTACK! DON'T LET THEM GET AWAY! How dare they act more intelligent and insightful than you, even though they are! DESTROY THEM PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY! What's this?! THEY'RE GAY TOO? NO! THAT GOES AGAINST THE RELIGION YOU SAY YOU FOLLOW BUT REALLY DON'T! NOOOOOOO!*explode*


CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE NOW A COMPLETELY NORMAL TEEN.

Go cry now.
UPDATE: I cannot BELIEVE how popular this got, in such a short amount of time! I...I'M SO HAPPY THAT YOU ALL LOVE THIS SO MUCH! :iconloveloveplz:
Understand that I can't keep up with the comments...don't be offended if I don't reply.

---

By popular demand...

Here is my final project for Writers Workshop, and wouldja believe that it's actually WRITING? *gasp*

ANYWAY,
I made this a journal entry, and many wanted to be able to favourite it. WELL, HERE IT BE!

LOVE IT. HATE IT. I DON'T CARE.

DO NOT FEAR THE SARCASM.

---

Note: Thanks to everyone whose being real understanding and nice about this. For the people who are being dicks about it...You know, I don't really care. Just understand that this is mostly sarcasm and bit self reflective.

Another Note: To the people who are persistent in their trolling of this, please stop reading so deep into it. I do not claim to be "better" than anyone else, as most teenagers are guilty of...being teenagers. "Normal", used here, is a completely loose term that refers to the douchebags who take their teenage years to this extreme. A true "Normal" person has thoughts and feelings of their own, is not swayed completely by the will of society and everyone around them, and can look at this list and know that it's nothing to be taken seriously. So everyone, please calm the hell down.
P.S. Nowhere in here did I claim that this is the greatest thing ever written. I understand that sarcasm is not the best way to say something, and can be a poor show of wit. Do me a HUGE favour, and get over it.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconprimescapethe16th:
PrimescapeThe16th Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2015
Instructions not clear enough,
is now tasked to diffuse bombs for some reason
Reply
:iconmsmla:
MsMLA Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2015  Student Traditional Artist
MAYBE IF YOU HANG TOGETHER, YOU CAN MAKE THE CHANGES IN OUR HEARTS
AND IF YOU HANG TOGETHER, YOU CAN CHANGE US,
JUST WHERE SHOULD YOU START?!
-Arcade Fire 
Reply
:iconberobero123:
berobero123 Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2015
at least I know i'm not the only one that is the direct opposite of this instruction.
Reply
:icondreamworld88:
Dreamworld88 Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2015  Student Writer
I'd like to comment but that would involve thinking! Which is legit difficult, ohmigosh. 
Reply
:iconkissme123lal:
Kissme123lal Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh my fucking god, this reminds me of the girls in our class terrifyingly much...
;-;
Anyway! I like this! This proves i am not normal!
I'm not crazy either my mother got me tested
Reply
:icontuggersgirl:
Tuggersgirl Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
this is so awesome! and sadly accurate
Reply
:iconmidgetshinigami:
MidgetShinigami Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2015  Student Writer
Exactly what half of society at school is like these days.
Reply
:iconbluepeach14:
BluePeach14 Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'm related as cousins to one of these "normal" teenagers, and I bet they only think I'm "ok" because I'm related to them. She even trusts her friends more then her own family! ( ex. she told her "friend" first that she was bi and her friend from school "back stabbed her"). and she even CUT herself because her phone was taken away, yet cracks the screen because , and I quote, " I need to satisfy my emotional pain with my physical pain". So my mom offered to smack her with a belt to "satisfy" her emotional pain. You also forgot #16. Don't have any other unique hobbies or achievements and 17#. Always get ready to start or have a fight. My cousin can't live LIFE without her phone, she has no talents, besides txting, facetimeing, AND I-message all her friends at the same time.  -.-u
Reply
:iconimaftf:
IMAFTF Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2014  Hobbyist
I usually only ever use words in #9 for emails to my friends for informal talking (NEVER SWEAR WORDS THOUGH!It is against my policy of 'no rude words when communicating to friends.') I'm so glad I don't have a phone, even if I had one though I would probably chuck it because it isn't my life. 

It is quite surprising that a lot of people do act like this! That in a way is something to laugh about.
I simply love how it is well written and stated, so congratulations on having a popular story. It is 
the worst, but best thing I've read about teenagers. ^-^
Reply
:iconroxanneburke:
roxanneburke Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2014
Wow! Well-written!
Reply
:iconthecatwafflez:
TheCatWafflez Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I already do step eleven on a daily basis.
WHTA IS WRONG WITH ME.
Reply
:iconkuro-tsuki-san:
Kuro-Tsuki-san Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2015
Well depending on your classmates/coworkers/family/friends this might just mean your genre savvy.
Reply
:iconlpscandycat:
LPSCandycat Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2014  Student Digital Artist
this is awesome can i put it as a jornal (I CREDIT YOU OF COURSE)
Reply
:iconcamyna:
camyna Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2014
I LOVE THIS. :D
Reply
:iconbuttonblackwraith:
Buttonblackwraith Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2014
I am glad to be the COMPLETE OPOSIT of this. I like to be my self, I'm not a slut, I don't talk like I'm texting crap, I don't even have a phone, i like cats not boyfriends or girlfriends, I am a tomboy, I hate people, cats are special, I like unique music and tastes, I enjoy every bit of my creepy insanity, I am the nicest thing to my father and 2 other family members, I love gay/les., gay/les. people rule, I cry but I don't cry about stupid stuff, I don't text like flash, I am not a depressed emo who walks around the school pouting like a puppy, I HATE MAKEUP, I enjoy being my own person, and I love unique people. And thats that.
Reply
:icondannyluvr58:
Dannyluvr58 Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2014  Student Writer
this was accurate then, and unsurprising is still accurate now :o
Reply
:iconcrazyraven7897:
crazyraven7897 Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2014
absolutely correct
Reply
:iconciridaewings:
CiridaeWings Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2014  Hobbyist
"Go cry now" jajajjaja I love this
Reply
:iconshadowkat678:
Shadowkat678 Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
The first thing you should do to be a normal Teenager...DON'T BE.
Reply
:iconciridaewings:
CiridaeWings Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2014  Hobbyist
Lovely Shoujo Emoji (Huggy Hug) [V2] 
Reply
:iconshadowkat678:
Shadowkat678 Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
*Free Icon/Emote* Pusheen (So exciting!) 
Reply
:iconyourweirdostalker:
yourweirdostalker Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Everybody is unique
No matter how cliche that saying is,
It's still true
What is normal really?
In the words of Morticia Addams
"Normal is an illusion.
What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly"
Just because they don't have abilities that would mark them as special, that doesn't make them normal.
The next time you think some one is just a normal person,
Think about how you and your friends have hobbies.
Preferences
Dislikes
Don't you think they have some that are different from yours?
Don't you ever wonder what it's like to see through their eyes?
To live their life?
I am not here to say I don't like what you wrote.
I'm just saying that nobody is normal
There is only a large amount of people with the same preferences
And those who chose to walk the path less taken




(Sorry about my rant. I just have to let my inner philosopher out once in a while y'know? Hehehe XD )
Reply
:iconcrazyraven7897:
crazyraven7897 Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2014
-laughs- that was wicked funny
Reply
:iconrolllinggirl:
RolllingGirl Featured By Owner May 19, 2014
Too depressingly true. 
Reply
:iconbossbleach:
BossBleach Featured By Owner May 18, 2014

SO TRUE!

--20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity--

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8 Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You Have A Headache.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity... Copy and Paste this into your profile!! (Whee, insanity is FUN)

Reply
:iconferretlivvie:
ferretlivvie Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
That is awesome! :D 
Reply
:iconsmedis9:
Smedis9 Featured By Owner May 10, 2014  Student Digital Artist
This is incredibly depressingly true.
Reply
:iconsmedis9:
Smedis9 Featured By Owner May 10, 2014  Student Digital Artist
Also, you forgot to add "Laugh at everything anyone ever says ever."
Reply
:iconautumn-wolfe:
Autumn-Wolfe Featured By Owner May 3, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
How true.
That's my entire school right there.
People.
Really.
Come on.
Reply
:iconcarolinademoraes:
CarolinadeMoraes Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
genius sarcasm, really!La la la la 
Reply
:iconmychemicalblackveil:
MyChemicalBlackVeil Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2014  Student Writer
This is perfect. Down to the last point ( I am guilty to #9) I mean, if you have enough money to buy a phone in the first place, why can't people afford appropriate clothes (sounding like my mom). The sad generation I live in.
Reply
:iconcommontoasternarwhal:
CommonToasterNarwhal Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2014  Student Filmographer
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks boys wearing shorts in 30 degree weather are stupid. I also notice that a lot of the girls with uggs also have long, completely straight hair with no volume whatsoever. That's why I got mine pixie short!
This piece of writing made my day. Thank you for convincing me that when I'm surrounded by "normal" people I'm not the unintelligent one.
Reply
:iconm-4lice:
m-4lice Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Are there actually normal teenagers on dA?
I thought artists are more or less required to be inviduals.
(Let's say I consider everyone in our community artist.)
Reply
:iconwriterofthesky55:
WriterOfTheSky55 Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
THIS IS SO FUCKING HILARIOUS. BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.
Popularity is so overrated
Speaking of which... www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfyE1T…
Half the kids I know are on Facebook, Instagram, have a phone, Ipod, IPad, etc. etc. We're in fifth grade. I don't have any of those (thank God) but I've been trying to install an app player JUST TO SEE WHY EVERYONE LOVES INSTAGRAM SO FRIGGIN' MUCH.
I admit I'm guilty of 5 (on deviantART and the "Accelerated Learning Activities Program" website for school) and 9 most of the time but I have a book surgically attached to my hand, Three Days Grace and Evanescence are 50x better than any of the other shit played today, and did I mention I'm only allowed to use internet on weekends? (Even though I break that rule all the time?)
Not trying to brag, but everyone always asks, "Hey! How do you get such high grades?" Hmmm, I don't know, maybe because I'M NOT A FREAKING ZOMBIE.
The girl next to me in class didn't bring home a paper she got a D on because her "Mom would take her phone away."
I want to slam my head into my desk until I relieve my soul of this insanity.
Reply
:iconexplodingbananafail:
ExplodingBananaFail Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
SO FUCKING TRUE and then theres the god damn never-ending selfies! My friends had a revolution by photo bombing anyone we saw taking one and then after that we'd say 'screw people like you that make up this generation' 
And stuff like three days grace and evanescence are much better, at least they have meaning. Can I recommend a little screamo like bring me the horizon, Sleeping with sirens and pierce the veil? And there's some kids who invented a way of smoking without actually doing it. They're basically just inhaling candy. And people say to me '*GASP* YOU DON'T GO ON INSTAGRAM, FACEBOOK, ETC. DO YOU HAVE A SOUL?! ARE YOU HUMAN?! DO YOU HAVE FEELINGS?!' And I'm sitting there like t(;-;t . I don't have a phone, but I do have a kindle fire and some people are like 'Are you kidding me? This thing?' I got it for Christmas after my really old ipad broke. And kids are obsessed with this song #selfie. And I listened to it, then punched my computer screen because of how shitty and overrated it was. Zombies in the nineties were supposedly affected by radiation. Zombies now are affected by technology. No one understands what true feelings are anymore. What we call fun is the same as what we call being bored. And in the next year, even more kids will be using the social media. Not just Half.

And sincerely, a pissed off 7th grader
Reply
:iconwriterofthesky55:
WriterOfTheSky55 Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.
I must start photobombin' then. YES.
I've only heard "Hospital For Souls" which was pretty good.

The candy snorting idiots are on the same par as the soaking tampons in vodka idiots.

Me: Hey, wanna email me?
Friend: Sure!
Girl: Email? Seriously?
Friend: She doesn't have a phone.
Girl: *explode*

Selfie is stupid but I must admit it's super catchy. I hate myself.

I HATE BEING BORED. Most stuff today is dumb.

POKEMON BEATS ALL THE OTHER SHIT OUT THERE.
Reply
:iconexplodingbananafail:
ExplodingBananaFail Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
that moment when you are listening to that song when you read the comment. And my friends NEVER check their email for me. ;-; and when I'm bored, I either draw, or take a walk to the woods to be chased by a insane guy holding a tree branch. Or dress like a hobo and go up to my neighbor's house to tell them I've them living in their bushes for five years and ask if they want to meet my family then show them rocks with derpy faces on them.
Reply
:iconwriterofthesky55:
WriterOfTheSky55 Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Hehehe.
I'm on here against my mom's wishes.
Reply
:iconexplodingbananafail:
ExplodingBananaFail Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
ohhhh rebel here xD
Reply
:iconwriterofthesky55:
WriterOfTheSky55 Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Forever & always.
Reply
:iconexplodingbananafail:
ExplodingBananaFail Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
the thug life chose me. Icon #3 - Lari (Happy Derp) 
Reply
:iconamateur-assassin:
amateur-assassin Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Brilliant. Thank you for the excessive amount of sarcasm, I laughed so hard. :)
Reply
:iconondarkwings:
OnDarkWings Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
:squee: rofl 
Reply
:iconfranklynnb:
franklynnb Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2014  Student Artist
How do you spell bingo?
Reply
:iconhyo38:
Hyo38 Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Why would i want to be normal.

Reply
:iconrainbow-sorbet-69:
Rainbow-Sorbet-69 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2014
It's sad how true this actually is. XD
Reply
:iconanniethebug:
AnnietheBug Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
6 and 9 XD
Reply
:iconcrazygirlfrommars:
crazygirlfrommars Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2014
crap I have alot  of work to do! :-)  its been said so much but.......so true
Reply
:icontiromani:
Tiromani Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I think I love you
Reply
:iconr-u-s-s-i-a-n:
R-u-s-s-i-a-n Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This is so fucking true c;
Reply
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